


Can I Have This Dance?

by Socrates7727



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Cute Ending, Dancing, Gay, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Yule Ball (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 15:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20548262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Socrates7727/pseuds/Socrates7727
Summary: Cute little oneshot I wrote for a comp over on ff.net where Sirius and Remus had a missed connection during their Yule Ball and get to try again all these years later.





	Can I Have This Dance?

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own HP or any of the characters! Comments mean the world to me!

Special Rule: Descriptive Introduction

Mahoutokoro - Homecoming King and Queen - Tradition

Main Prompt: [Pairing (any)] Sirius Black/ Remus Lupin

Additional Prompts: [Setting] the Great Hall, [Emotion] envy

Word Count: 2777

* * *

For Sirius Black, stepping back into the gaudy, sparkling Great Hall was like stepping back in time. The lights were too much—they always were, even now that Dumbledore wasn't around to defend their presence—and the thousands of shimmering decorations looked more like strings of plastic than the shooting stars they were supposed to represent. It was just as bad, and just as cheesy, as it had been all those years ago.

He felt out of place the way he had at his parent's fancy parties as a child, or the way he had walking through Diagon Alley after his acquittal. The students looked so much younger than he could ever remember being—surely they hadn't been so awkward or so covered in the markings of puberty? But they had. These students had lived through a war, just as his year had, and they should have looked just as battered and broken because of it. To him, though, they just looked like kids.

Someone had already spiked the punch—he was sure of it—because that was more of a tradition than the dance itself. Part of him wondered who had taken that particular torch after the Weasley twins had left Hogwarts, and part of him still wanted to go spike it himself just in the spirit of the holidays.

As if Remus had sensed his train of thought, he shot a warning glare across the hall. Sirius just smiled and waved, pretending to be oblivious. Remus was a chaperone, after all, and would not approve of slipping firewhiskey into the punch the way he would have during their own school years. He looked just as uncomfortable being there as he had back then, too.

* * *

"_Sirius, for Merlin's sake can we dance yet?" He ignored Marlene, though he knew he would regret that later, and merely gestured in the direction of some Hufflepuffs who were chatting loudly. With a muttered swear, his date left to find someone more interesting. Not that he could blame her, really. It wasn't her fault that he'd asked her to the dance, not really wanting to go in the first place. And, even more to the point, it wasn't her fault that the only person he was even remotely interested in was standing across the hall looking like someone had just thrown up in front of him._

_Feeling the eyes on him, Remus looked up. For the fourth time since they'd both arrived through the grand arches, the taller merely frowned and looked back to the floor. Sirius couldn't help it, though. It wasn't his fault that the Yule Ball was about tradition, or that every single couple dancing at the center of the hall was a nice pairing of a dress and a suit. Never two dresses, never two suits._

_He watched the other students dance in their merry little pairs and he cursed under his breath. It was ridiculous, and yet the sight boiled under his skin like poison. What was there to be jealous of, even? A few jocks who'd had too much punch and were slobbering all over the faces of their dates interchangeably? Frilly dresses that left glitter everywhere for weeks afterwards?_

_No, he knew what he was jealous of and it wasn't the drunkenness or the glitter. He watched the couples—the real couples, the ones that truly cared about each other—and that resentment built in his chest. It wasn't fair that they got to be so happy together and do it in public. Not that he and Remus couldn't, of course, but he envied the carefree, lack of fear that each of the 'normal' couples had about doing it._

_Remus caught his eye again, somehow making the sounds of the music and the people talking around him fade into silence. The resentment cooled into a simmering sense of shame. Merlin, it wasn't fair how good that boy was at looking like a lost puppy. Sirius swore in his head and tried to focus on Lily, who was Remus' date, as if that could somehow make everything go back to normal. It just made his stomach churn with guilt, though._

_It wasn't his fault that the Yule Ball was about tradition—honestly. It wasn't his fault that everyone had dates of the opposite gender or that the professors were watching them as if they could measure the distance between each pair of bodies with a ruler. But it was his fault that Remus was miserable._

_He was the reason that Remus had had to beg Lily at the last minute, as a best friend, to go with him. Lily hadn't minded, of course, and had agreed because James was too emotionally constipated to actually just ask her, but that didn't stop the guilt. It was his fault, though, and no one else's because he was the one who was scared._

* * *

A few eighth years had come, having missed their own final Yule Ball, and were scattered against the walls like nervous parents. Harry was nearby, with Hermione and Ron, no doubt avoiding Ginny still because of the breakup. Luna was chatting with a few older Hufflepuffs near the entrance, some of the lesser known Slytherins had made an appearance, and for some reason Lockhart was schmoozing around near the punch table. Maybe he'd spiked it?

As much as he could observe the crowd, though, Sirius knew that wasn't where his attention really was—and it hadn't ever been. Even now, with the war and the trials behind them, Sirius couldn't help it. Remus was just so… Pure.

He stared at the lanky teenager turned professor until he felt the eyes on him and looked up. Merlin, those eyes… They looked just as haunted as they had when Sirius had first met them and a very large part of him wanted to turn tail and run. For so many years, he'd been the reason behind that pain.

Now, things were different. People knew the truth and the fear was finally over with, as was his time in Azkaban. He and Harry had spent most of the summer renovating Grimmauld Place, while Remus had been offered his old job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher following Snape's arrest. It made sense that they were busy and their paths simply hadn't crossed yet, right?

Harry had invited him tonight, though, and practically begged him to come. Somehow, even with all the time they'd had since his name had been cleared, Sirius had never tried to talk to Remus. He should have—and he knew that—but he'd always made some kind of excuse in the end. Avoiding it was just easier.

But Remus looked good, dressed in a dark suit with a subtle red and gold tie. He looked uncomfortable and anxious like he always was at events like these but he looked more like Remus than he had in a long time. It was intoxicating, honestly, and combined with all the noise and the lights it was enough to overwhelm him. Flushing bright red, Sirius turned back to fiddle once against with the glitter on the table in front of him.

* * *

"_Pads, do you want—" But Sirius knew exactly what Remus was going to ask and he cut him off before he could say it._

"_More punch? I'd love some, thanks." Those gorgeous green eyes darkened until they matched some of the Slytherins' dresses but all he could do was look away. Jealousy brewed hot in his stomach but the fear overpowered it tenfold._

"_Right. Lily, do you want anything while I'm going?" Always so polite… He wrung his hands and glanced half-heartedly around the room for Marlene, wondering if he should at least try to apologize to her before the night was through._

"_Actually I need to talk to Alice, so I'll get the punch. You two stay here and chat." Sirius could have hexed the redhead right then and there if they hadn't been surrounded by people. For Merlin's sake! She knew exactly what she was doing and, from the look on her face, she was pretty proud of herself for doing it. The second she'd disappeared, Remus turned on him._

"_It's okay." But it wasn't. They'd talked about a week ago—much too late for Remus to find a date, and much too early for Sirius to pretend that he hadn't been planning on taking Marlene—and Remus had insisted that it was okay. He kept saying that he understood, that it must be different in pureblood families, and that he wasn't upset._

_But he was._

_Remus was too selfless and too polite to ever say it, but Sirius knew that he'd disappointed him. He hated himself for it. Honestly, it was ridiculous. They'd been together for almost six months now and so what if people knew? So what if even just Lily, James, and Peter knowing sometimes made him want to throw up? So what if the thought of everyone knowing was enough to give him a small panic attack?_

_It shouldn't have scared him, and he knew that. But it did, and he could hide behind his excuses of 'tradition' or 'expectations' as much as he wanted but, in the end, they both knew what it was. He was scared that the rhetoric his parents had beaten into him since birth was true._

_That homosexuals were worse than mudbloods._

_That gay was a choice, and an evil one at that._

_That 'poof' meant second class citizen, meant being disowned from the family he still didn't really believe he belonged in, and meant being hated._

_So, he swallowed his punch right alongside his pride and went back to find Marlene, leaving Remus alone and disappointed._

* * *

Tradition had certainly taken on a new connotation since the war. Houses intermixed now, and the rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin had been reduced to a playful sports opposition. The punch was spiked, still, but it wasn't as strong as it used to be. Teachers were dancing with one another, completely platonically, and friends danced just as often as couples did. There were even a few non-heterosexual couples sprinkled throughout the mess of students, if his eyes were to be believed. Truly, it was a different time.

The lights were the same, though, and the music still felt way too loud whenever he caught those familiar green eyes across the crowd. His stomach twisted—and not from the firewhiskey punch—every time Remus glanced his way. It all seemed far too familiar, and yet here they were. Was he stupid enough to make the same mistake twice?

"Miss Abbott, if I could steal Professor Lupin for a moment?" The students that had been talking and joking with Remus disbanded instantly, still fearing the infamous Sirius Black. Maybe he'd made his voice a little harsher than necessary and maybe that old, possessive jealousy had started to rage again under his skin but so what? It meant nothing, right? He shrugged it off and tried not to notice the way the shadows seemed to cling to them, trying to hide their shame.

"Moony," he finally started, hearing the name catch in his throat like some kind of sob.

"Pads." Remus sounded stiff and formal, but Sirius had seen the softening in his expression and he knew better. Merlin, this felt like fifth year all over again! That same guilt and humiliation that had weighed him down then slithered in his veins and that same terror seized in his lungs. It was too much, and at the same time not enough. He glanced out at the teenage couples, once again feeling that familiar indignation. Why did they get to have this so easily?

"You look like you're doing better," Remus supplied, trying to make conversation. "Living with Harry has been treating you well?" It was, but Sirius wasn't here for smalltalk or for empty promises to catch up sometime. He took a deep breath, trying not to watch the way Remus' tie shifted with every inhale and exhale. Even now, Remus was still taller.

"I have to ask you a question. Well, two questions, actually, and I want you to tell me the truth even if you think I might not like it." Remus' brow furrowed a bit like a confused caterpillar and, for a moment, the lights of the room reflected back in those eyes like actual stars instead of simple charms.

"Okay." Deep breath: in, and out. Sirius tried to keep breathing but it was getting harder and harder because he was beginning to feel like that lost little sixteen year old instead of a grown adult.

"Do you forgive me? For James… For James and Lily?" He'd promised himself he wouldn't cry, but he had to dig his nails into his palm to keep his lip from quivering. Remus stared at him, barely blinking.

"Do I… what? Of course I bloody forgive you, Pads, it wasn't your fault. I hated you for years and I couldn't believe that you'd done such a thing, but you didn't. You were trying to protect them… You always tried to protect us, even if it meant that you got hurt." Merlin, he wasn't supposed to cry! But he was. Tears were starting slowly down his cheeks in a way they hadn't done since his arrest and he tried to scrub them from his skin like some kind of bad potion spill. Remus just watched him. He was waiting for the second question, Sirius realized.

"You forgive me." It wasn't a question, but Remus nodded again and took his hand, careful to keep the contact hidden in one of the darker shadows. He'd missed those hands so much… But now wasn't the time for that particular well of emotion so he shook his head and tried to strengthen his voice.

"Then I guess I just have one question left to ask…" He glanced between the sea of hormonal teenagers and those green eyes he'd been in love with since third year. "Can I have this dance?" The look on Remus' face was absolutely priceless. Surprise, disbelief, hope, and maybe even a hint of relief all danced across those scarred features the way his fingers used to do after every full moon. He squeezed the hand that was holding his and willed his stomach not to empty itself right there on the floor.

"Are you sure?" And that was the only question Remus asked. Nothing about whether or not they still felt the same way, nothing about the opinions of his students or his coworkers, and nothing even about fifth year. Just one, simple request that Sirius could hear between the syllables: _please be sure_.

"Moony, I've never been more certain of anything in my entire life." It was Remus' turn, then, to look close to tears and to fight them back through the smiles. He nodded his consent and Sirius led them out onto the floor, trying desperately not to feel the eyes or the whispers that all seemed to focus on them. If he strained, he could hear words like _disgrace _or _disgusting_ and the voices sounded more like his parents than like any students he'd ever met—it was too much. Remus squeezed his hand and made it all quiet again, though.

"You're lucky I owe you a dance. Most people here would kill to dance with me." Remus laughed that soft, quiet little rumble of a laugh that Sirius had fallen in love with before he'd even realized it. Two strong, scarred hands took their place on his waist.

"Oh, yes, I'm sure people are just lining up to dance with the famous Azkaban escapee. You're lucky I'm a professor, otherwise I'd have hoards of people asking me to dance." Again that laugh, and Merlin he'd missed the way that Remus laughed at his own jokes almost as much as his sense of humor. They'd always fitted together so well like this.

"I still love you, Re." He hadn't meant to say that, at least not here with so many eyes on them, but the words just slipped out. Remus didn't freeze or push him away, though, he didn't even stop dancing.

"I know. You never were very good at hiding it, even back then." Sirius wanted to throw something. Was Remus really going to make him say it? Make him ask that question in front of however many students and professors were currently staring at them? But, screw it, he was all in and he was at least going to get an answer.

"Do you still love me too?" Those gorgeous green eyes looked down at him—he'd forgotten how _tall_ the werewolf was this close up—but then Remus smiled.

"I never stopped."


End file.
